Saturday, December 29, 2007

if i know anything, it is about starting over... and what better time then Now! May all beings follow their bliss, their heart, and their higher way.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Sitting alone in peace before these cliffs
the full moon is heaven's beacon
the ten thousand things are all reflections
the moon originally has no light
wide open the spirit of itself is pure
hold fast to the void realize its subtle mystery
look at the moon like this
this moon that is the heart's pivot


Saturday, December 22, 2007

He who binds himself a joy
Does the winged life destroy.
But he who kisses the joy as it flies
Lives in eternity's sun rise.

~William Blake

Friday, December 21, 2007

Your world and My world,
On every side of the Star,
Fit like a puzzle.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Gaurdian Angel

* dedicated to Coach Steve Ilg

I am the bird that flutters against your window in the morning,
and your closest friend, whom you can never know,
blossoms that light up for the blind.

I am the glacier shining over the woods, so pale,
and heavy voices from the cathedral tower.
The thought that suddenly hits you in the middle of the day
and makes you feel so fantastically happy.

I am the one you have loved for many years.
I walk beside you all day and look intently at you
and put my mouth against your heart
though you're not aware of it.

I am your third arm, your second
shadow, the white one,
whom you cannot accept,
and who can never forget you.

~Rolf Jacobsen

Friday, December 14, 2007

In Loving Memory of Scooter Boy

"We Must Die Because We Have Known Them"

The Moment

And not once,
but many times over,
again and again,
how we disappeared
into that deep well
of darkness, shuddering beneath that load of silence,
clinging to our narrow ledge.

Yet the darkness, sometimes,
unfolded as light.
Our atoms dissolved in it,
each separate molecule opening
into a radiant disk of feeling.

How still we became,
witness and thing seen,
spectacle and observer,
each point admitting an untrammeled flood.

by Dorothy Walters

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Doubt is not a disease but merely a symptom of a lack of what we in our tradition call the View, which is the realization of the nature of mind, and so of the nature of reality. When the View is there completely, there will be no possibility for the slightest trace of doubt, for then we'll be looking at reality through its own eyes. But until we reach enlightenment there will inevitably be doubts, because doubt is a fundamental activity of the unenlightened mind, and the only way to deal with doubts is neither to suppress nor indulge them.

~Sogyal Rinpoche

Middle of the night
Trying to express mySelf,
It's total madness.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Rama Ramkali

The ira-vein,
the pingala-vein,
the sukhmana-vein --
these three
converge at one spot.
Where the three rivers meet,
there is found holy Prayag --
and it is there
that the heart bathes
and becomes clean.

O you saints,
it is there that you find
the faultless Ram.
Only the fortunate few
who follow the guru's path
understand this truth:
the eternal Ram
is forever blended therein.

What are the manifestations
of Deva's abode?
resounds the Word unspoken.
neither moon nor sun,
air nor water exist.
Those who follow
the guru's words
know all this already.

Divine wisdom awakens
and hard-heartedness
melts away;
sweet ambrosia
soaks and wets
the inner sky.
Those who know the secret
of this discipline
will surely meet
the primal Gurudeva.

Beyond the Tenth Door
is the abode
of the inaccessible,
the unfathomable
Primal Being.
Above the body,
upon the body
is an alcove.
Within this alcove
is His abode.

Be vigilant;
do not fall asleep.
Attain that stage
wherein the three qualities
and the three worlds
count for nothing.
Place the seed-mantra
within your heart.
Turn back your mind
and fix it upon Silence.

Be vigilant;
do not dwell in falsehood.
Restrain and hold back
the five senses.
Place the guru's teaching
in your thoughts,
and lay your body
and your soul
as an offering
to Krishna's love.

Deem your hands and fingers
as branches of a tree:
do not lose your life
as in a gambling match.
Well up the spring that feeds
the stream of evil deeds;
drive the sun away from the west.
Restrain what cannot be restrained,
and let the spring gush forth:
thus converse with Jaganath.

A lamp
with four wicks
illumines the Tenth Door:
countless petals surround
the flower's cup.
Therein dwells
the Lord Himself,
holding all His power:
a ruby hidden
by another precious ruby.

In the brain
is the lotus
encircled by diamonds.
Therein is Niranjan,
the Holder
of the three worlds.
All the five types of instruments
play sweetly on;
the fan sways;
the conch forever resounds.

The guru's enlightenment
tramples all demons underfoot:
Beni begs for Your name.

(14th century)

Sunday, December 09, 2007

For six years sitting alone
still as a snake
in a stalk of bamboo
with no family
but the ice
on the snow mountain
Last night
seeing the empty sky
fly into pieces
he shook
the morning star awake
and kept it in his eyes

~Muso Soseki

Friday, December 07, 2007


Vanished the veils of light and shade,
Lifted every vapor of sorrow,
Sailed away all dawns of fleeting joy,
Gone the dim sensory mirage.
Love, hate, health, disease, life, death,
Perished these false shadows on the screen of duality.
Waves of laughter, scyllas of sarcasm, melancholic whirlpools,
Melting in the vast sea of bliss.
The storm of maya stilled
By magic wand of intuition deep.
The universe, forgotten dream, subconsciously lurks,
Ready to invade my newly wakened memory divine.
I live without the cosmic shadow,
But it is not, bereft of me;
As the sea exists without the waves,
But they breathe not without the sea.
Dreams, wakings, states of deep turiya sleep,
Present, past, future, no more for me,
But ever-present, all-flowing I, I, everywhere.
Planets, stars, stardust, earth,
Volcanic bursts of doomsday cataclysms,
Creation's molding furnace,
Glaciers of silent x-rays, burning electron floods,
Thoughts of all men, past, present, to come,
Every blade of grass, myself, mankind,
Each particle of universal dust,
Anger, greed, good, bad, salvation, lust,
I swallowed, transmuted all
Into a vast ocean of blood of my own one Being!
Smoldering joy, oft-puffed by meditation
Blinding my tearful eyes,
Burst into immortal flames of bliss,
Consumed my tears, my frame, my all.
Thou art I, I am Thou,
Knowing, Knower, Known, as One!
Tranquilled, unbroken thrill, eternally living, ever new peace!
Enjoyable beyond imagination of expectancy, samadhi bliss!
Not a mental chloroform
Or unconscious state without wilful return,
Samadhi but extends my conscious realm
Beyond the limits of the mortal frame
To farthest boundary of eternity
Where I, the Cosmic Sea,
Watch the little ego floating in me.
The sparrow, each grain of sand, fall not without my sight.
All space like an iceberg floats within my mental sea.
Colossal Container, I, of all things made.
By deeper, longer, thirsty, guru-given meditation
Comes this celestial samadhi
Mobile murmurs of atoms are heard,
The dark earth, mountains, vales, lo! molten liquid!
Flowing seas change into vapors of nebulae!
Aum blows upon the vapors, opening wondrously their veils,
Oceans stand revealed, shining electrons,
Till, at last sound of the cosmic drum,
Vanish the grosser lights into eternal rays
Of all-pervading bliss.
From joy I came, for joy I live, in sacred joy I melt.
Ocean of mind, I drink all creation's waves.
Four veils of solid, liquid, vapor, light,
Lift aright.
Myself, in everything, enters the Great Myself.
Gone forever, fitful, flickering shadows of mortal memory.
Spotless is my mental sky, below, ahead, and high above.
Eternity and I, one united ray.
A tiny bubble of laughter, I
Am become the Sea of Mirth Itself.

~Paramahansa Yogananda

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Listen, my friend, this road is the heart opening,
Kissing his feet, resistance broken, tears all night.

If we could reach the Lord through immersion in water,
I would have asked to be born a fish in this life.
If we could reach Him through nothing but berries and wild nuts,
Then surely the saints would have been monkeys when they came from the womb!
If we could reach him by munching lettuce and dry leaves,
Then the goats would surely go to the Holy One before us!

If the worship of stone statues could bring us all the way,
I would have adored a granite mountain years ago.

Mirabai says: The heat of midnight tears will bring you to God.


Tuesday, December 04, 2007

A fiery chariot borne on nimble wings (from Faust)

A fiery chariot borne on nimble wings
approaches me. I am prepared to change my course,
to penetrate the ether's high dominions
toward novel spheres of pure activity.
Do you, scarcely better than a worm, deserve
this lofty life and heavenly delight?
Now be resolute and turn your back
on our earth's endearing sun!
Be bold and brash ad force the gates
from which men shrink and slink away!
The time has come to prove by deeds
that man will not give in to gods' superior might
and will not quake before the pit where fantasy
condemns itself to tortures of its own creation
when he advances to the narrow passageway
about whose mouth infernal flames are blazing.
Approach the brink serenely and accept the risk
of melting into nothingness.

Monday, December 03, 2007

Every single negative thing we have ever thought or done has ultimately arisen from our grasping at a false self, and our cherishing of that false self, making it the dearest and most important element in our lives. All those negative thoughts, emotions, desires, and actions that are the cause of our negative karma are engendered by self-grasping and self-cherishing. They are the dark, powerful magnet that attracts to us, life after life, every obstacle, every misfortune, every anguish, every disaster, and so they are the root cause of all the sufferings of samsara.

-Sogyal Rinpoche

(painting by beloved Bill Matthews entitled "Reap")

Friday, November 30, 2007

Pink Monkeyflower

Mimulus lewisii

Positive qualities: Emotional transparency; courage to take emotional risks with others

Patterns of imbalance: Feelings of shame, guilt, or unworthiness; fear of exposure and rejection due to prior abuse or trauma

White Chestnut

also known as Horse Chestnut

Aesculus hippocastanum
(white with pink, red and yellow centers)

Positive qualities: Tranquil disposition, spacious mental state that transcends personal or petty thoughts

Patterns of imbalance: Worry-bound repetitive thoughts, chattering mind; restless and agitated mental condition; insomnia


Juglans regia

Positive qualities: Freedom from limiting influences, making healthy transitions in life, inner strength to follow one's own path and destiny

Patterns of imbalance: Overly influenced by the social expectations or values of family or community, past experiences or beliefs that inhibit the soul's evolution

Mariposa Lily

Calochortus leichtlinii
(white/yellow center/purple spots)

Positive qualities: Maternal consciousness, warm, feminine and nurturing; mother-child bonding, positive connection to mother and similar female figures

Patterns of imbalance: Alienated from mother or from mothering role, feelings of childhood abandonment or abuse; orphan state of consciousness


Arctostaphylos viscida

Positive qualities: Joyous embodiment, spiritual identity integrated with the physical body

Patterns of imbalance: Estranged from the earthly world; aversion or revulsion toward the body and physical world; eating and sleeping disorders


Angelica archangelica

Positive qualities: Feeling protection and guidance from spiritual beings, especially during threshold experiences such as birth and death, or other life passages

Patterns of imbalance: Feeling cut off, bereft of spiritual guidance and protection; spiritual orphan


Agrimonia eupatoria

Positive qualities: Emotional honesty, acknowledging and working with emotional pain, ability to radiate genuine equanimity and inner peace

Patterns of imbalance: Anxiety hidden by a mask of cheerfulness; denial and avoidance of emotional pain, addictive behavior to anesthetize feelings
my new Love...Flower Essences.

i have met with a Beautiful Jane Ellen to help me develop a perfect Flower Essence tincture. Jane is an expert with Essences and i would highly recommend you make an appointment to speak with her.

Jane Ellen

Transitional Integration




As i deepen my relationship to these essences, i anticipate subtle and dramatic changes within my spiritual, emotional, mental and physical being. i Trust that this journey will bring me Home to my truest Self and Highest Potential. it will be a trying and liberating experience i am sure. already, i feel more calm and centered.

i encourage you to learn more about Flower Essences and begin your journey today!

in Guiding Light,

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Worldly affairs are all deceptive;
So I seek the Truth Divine.

Excitements and distractions are illusions;
So I meditate on the Non-dual Truth.

Companions and servants are deceptive;
So I remain in solitude.

Money and possessions are also deceptive;
So if I have them, I give them away.

Things in the outer world are all illusion;
The Inner Mind is that which I observe.

Wandering thoughts are all deceptive;
So I only tread the Path of Wisdom.

Deceptive are the teachings of Expedient Truth;
The Final Truth is that on which I meditate.

Books written in black ink are all misleading;
I only meditate on the Pith-Instructions of the Whispered Lineage.

Words and sayings, too, are but illusion;
At ease, I rest my mind in the effortless state.

Birth and death are both illusions;
I observe but the truth of No-Arising.

The common mind is in every way misleading;
And so I practice how to animate Awareness.

The Mind-holding Practice is misleading and deceptive;
And so I rest in the realm of Reality.


Friday, November 23, 2007


It's dark and
I can't find my face.
Did I leave it on a canvas
somewhere by accident?
Last night was filled
with the passions of owls.
Now it's snowing
wonder in my soul.
Dawn bleeds into me
playing its morning flute.
I tremble without my face
but oh, what a trembling.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Today I awoke, finally I see the Self has re-turned to the Self.
The Self is none other than the Self.
I am deathless. I am endless. I am free.
The birds outside sing...
The birds outside sing and there am I.
The seeing of leaves on the trees, that seeing am I.
The body breathes, breathing am I.
I am awake and I know that I am awake.
Seen from the old eyes, everything is asleep, a game, a delusion.
But now I am awake. I am the play. I am the game. I am the delusion.
I am the enlightenment I sought, looking everywhere.
Nothing is separate, nothing is alone.
I am all that I see. All that I smell, taste, touch, feel, think and know.
I am awake and this awakeness is the same as Shyakyamuni Buddha's.
Today the leaf has returned to the root.
I am all name and form and beyond all name and form.
I am Spirit, no longer trapped in a body.
I am free. I am free because I am awake.
So ordinary. Who would have thought ? Who could have guessed?
I am home. I am really home. Ten thousand life times.
Ten thousand life times but today I am home.
Ten thousand life times but today I am home.
This is not an experience. This is me.
I am awake. Finally, I am awake.
Nothing has changed, but I am awake.
Before I tasted the root many times and felt, how delicious.
Today I became the root. How ordinary.


Monday, November 19, 2007

His Living Proof

By Abdul-Qader Bedil
(1644 - 1721)

English version by David and Sabrineh Fideler

The eternal mysteries,
following wisdom's lead,
brought forth
the human form
as their living proof.

As long as the drop
hadn't emerged from the sea,
the ocean
didn't notice
the depths of its splendor.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Into this new love, die
your way begins
on the other side
become the sky
take an axe to the prison wall,
walk out like someone
suddenly born into color
do it now


Saturday, November 17, 2007

Lifts its glass to the sun
And light -- light
Is poured.

A bird
Comes and sits on a crystal rim
And from my forest cave I
Hear singing.

So I run to the edge of existence
And join my soul in love.

I lift my heart to God
And grace is poured.

An emerald bird rises from inside me
And now sits
Upon the Beloved's

I have left that dark cave forever.
My body has blended with His.

I lay my wing
As a bridge to you

So that you can join us


Friday, November 16, 2007

being present with your entire self for service of another is Divine.

In bricks and in granite,

By Civivakkiyar
(9th Century)

English version by Kamil V. Zvelebil

In bricks and in granite,
in the red-rubbed lingam,
in copper and brass
is Siva's abode --
that's what you tell us,
and you're wrong.
Stay where you are
and study your own selves.
Then you will BECOME
the Temple of God,
full of His dance and spell
and song.

Sunday, November 04, 2007

Each one has come embodied into this world of joy and grief, of growth and decay in order to discover the way home, to get back to the source from which he has strayed into this wilderness. This has to be done within the allotted time of our life span. But, man is attracted by the phantom lights and he ignores the call of destiny. His senses lead him on and on, deeper and deeper into the maze until he dies with a moan instead of with a smile. The precious years between birth and death are wasted in worthless acquisitions and meaningless achievements.


Friday, November 02, 2007

May I come to see with naked eyes
the form of the fully emergent mandala
of perfect deities, the sport of the ever-present mind
inside the courtyard of the heart's dharma chakra.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

every inner detail is a mirror
okay okay, so i have been slacking on the blog thing. lo siento. it is only because i have been dazzled with this whole transition into Santa Fe. i love it; the people, my sweet location overlooking all of town and perfect for viewing the sunsets, my school (New Mexico Academy of Healing Arts), the sunshine--everything! this truely is the land of enchantment.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Why is it so hard to slow the mind down, shut out the noise, and trust in the stillness of the next moment?

i am not sure why I am holding on to these things that are merely distractions. It seems like letting go is a bigger mystery than habit. These past months I have let go of more than I am willing to admit, and it feels both good and bad. May we find the strength, courage and wisdom to be free of grasping.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Day 10: Feeling good, real good.

i want to take a moment to acknowledge the birth of two very special beings this week.
Coach Ilg and Ananda and my dearest friend Anne have been gifted with beautiful daughters.

may they know how much they are loved.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

please take a moment to look at this:

Saturday, September 08, 2007

Friday, September 07, 2007

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Day 3: ok i cheated. eating raw fruits and coffee, nada. Feelings peaceful and calm and at times anxious; pretty typical day. This could last longer than expected.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Day 2: relaxed, a little sleepy, not too hungry and dam does that coffee smell good!

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

I am bored stiff without my attachments. Today I started a master cleanse, nothing to eat but lemonade with cayenne, and already I am binging on gum. There is nothing standing between me and my next grasp, only will power and the belief in a higher self. Maybe I will make it the full ten days, or perhaps even just one. Lord knows I can try my best. I have decided to document my feelings throughout this process. Today I wrote: unmotivated, sad, hungry for sweets. Not to mention that I am at work writing this, I feel a little doldrums today. Perhaps that will change into glee and a light happy feeling. I sure hope so, but I am not betting on an easy week. I’m not even counting on an easy afternoon!

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

September Art Shows:

100th Monkey Studio

110 SE 16th Ave
Portland, OR 97214

Opening night of the show will be

September7th between 6-9pm.

Candles Cafe

1060 North 39th St.
Seattle, WA 98103

Friday, August 17, 2007

recently i wrote to a friend that i "sorta fell off the yoga wagon"

as the sun set, its warmth wrapped around me like clouds and i relaxed towards the most exquisite of forward folds; a smile flashed radiant in my heart as i thought about the ridiculousness of that statement..."sorta fell off the yoga wagon"

Ya Right!

sometimes we say and do things prematurely, without consideration.
it is best to forgive.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

hungry ghosts, 2007

If you would be so kind as to go to:

and vote for me, i would LOVE it!

(it's a painting contest!)

and if you get a chance, forward this to your friends...

Monday, July 30, 2007

If you think your body and mind are two,
that is wrong;
if you think that they are one, that is also wrong.
Our body and mind are both two
and one.
- Shunryu Suzuki

All vibration is the spiraling undulation of three forces: sattva, rajas, and tamas. All life grows thru union of these gunas so that we may resonate in tune with the polarity of the Universe.

And so, all nature is a expression of cycles: birth and death, pushing and pulling, acid and alkaline, positive and negative, yin and yang, male and female, spirit and matter, ida and pingala. All energy moves in a cycle of consciousness, spiraling and pulsating from the sattva guna (Sat refers to the Supreme Being); the prana powerhouse and the diamond castle of our lady, Sushumna.
Emanating from sattva guna is a positive centrifugal field of force called the rajas guna- the energy of expansive and creative expression that underlines the evolutionary process; quite literally "the glow” in the expression of life that sustains the conscious mind.
The negative centripetal field is called the tamas guna. The Sanskrit word for tamas means, "to perish" and rules the resonance of negativity and the reactive unconscious mind. Tamas is the instrumental purifying source which eliminates that which is not life sustaining.
All vibration is the spiraling balance of these three forces.

Only with harmony may we harvest equanimity, discrimination and wisdom. It is in harmony with the five phases of materialization (Ether, Air, Fire, Water and Earth) that we vibrate with Body and Soul.

Why am i addressing this very important concept of polarity today? Because so often we forget to pay attention to the ever so spiritually sensual oscillation of life; we tend to 'buy into' the black or white mentality when really, all forces work together to re-establish natural balance.

So the sacred breath of Brahma dances and flows, gets stuck and flings undoubtedly inward and down, outward and up..

..inevitably back to the Source.

a bow to all who dance with awareness.
may we continue to learn and be present.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

so this feeling that i've been having, this energy that i cant quite put my finger on...well i figured it out! if you haven't guessed... its PAINTING! which i have been doing religiously for the last few days. these are some images of my new babies. (they're actually really big!)